What to do when the sex is becoming monotonous.

Yaaas! Horny motherfuckers, I’m back! It’s been maybe a year since I last wrote something here, but who gives a shit? I do. Tonight, I’m writing about couples. If you’re loveless, single, alone, lonely, this is not for you, but if you’re not a bitter vegetable and actually want to learn something for future reference when you finally decide to be with somebody and tired of using lotion and going freehand, then read.

Dear couples,
The first three years of your relationship with your partner was fun right? Constant, heated sex, left and right, finger-fucking anywhere, lip-locking here and there, spontaneous blowjobs you were so thankful for. And then, what happened? The sex is slowly turning comfortable and familiar, that you’re actually considering having sex with somebody else, unbeknownst to you other half. Don’t worry, nothing is wrong with you. It’s normal. I’m fucking kidding. There’s something wrong with you if you’re thinking this. See, some people have been telling me that they’re actually considering cheating on their partner because “wala na akong gana ka sex siya. Nawala ang spark. Nakakasawa na paulit ulit. Isang puke lang palage. Isang titi lang palage, ang liit pa.” E tanginamoka, jojowa jowa ka tapos maghahanap ka ng ibang hihindotin. I’m not one to judge, it’s okay to feel this way. But if you’re actually acting on it, I’m gonna tell you that you’re a coward. You don’t want to leave your partner because you love your partner, but the sex is just too monotonous. Maybe if you have sex with somebody else, the excitement and your sexual drive might come back. No. This doesn’t work, dipshit. This is highschool shit, fuccboi ka ba? Fuccgurl ka? Hahaha tangina natawa ako. Fvckbboi. Fucckhgurrl. What’s next? Phuckbhuoy? Phuckgherhl? Jesus fucking Christ when will these kids actually spell shit right.

So… My boyfriend and I have been living together for four years. The first three years, (the third year usually is the drop. The drop means, your relationship would experience a decrease in excitement and fun because this is when you’re already comfortable with each other, sometimes things become monotonous. It’s based on scientific research) are the most exciting years. This is the period where you get to know each other, find out things, hold great interest, and once you’re over those things, what now? What’s the next move? What’s gonna happen? You already know by now how many times she farts in a day or how many minutes it takes for him to cum, you’ve committed to your memory the smell of his balls that when he walks by in front of your face, you’d be able to calculate when’s the last time he took a bath, by now you already get to his favorite sexual position even before he asks you to, by now you already know everything, by now, you’ve already done everything that’s sexual. So what’s next? Four, five, six, seven years, now you’re married, you have kids, the sex is starting to feel like a chore, an obligation, not something to look forward to, but it’s become obligatory, it’s not supposed to feel like an obligation, you feel like you have to spread your legs just so he won’t cheat on you, you don’t spread you legs because you actually want his cock inside you, you spread it just so he’d shut up and he’s stop jabbing and poking his finger on your arm just so you’d suck on his cock. I’m right.

I’m not gonna lie, I felt that shit too, last year. We’ve done everything, literally everything, and sometimes when he wants to fuck me, I actually have to watch porn to get horny, maybe it’s the age, maybe it’s the familiarity, maybe because we’ve been too busy and too tired, maybe it’s because we’ve been having sex everyday for four years and even though we change it up from time to time, it’s still not enough, there is no excuse for it, I wanted that sexual excitement, that fire, when we first met.

But instead of cheating on him and instead of him cheating on me, I brought it up. I told him, “Our sex is getting boring. I feel like we’re too old. I don’t feel like a slut anymore.”

Because, I wanted for us to solve it. I wanted for us to talk about how we can improve our sex life because I told him this when we began dating, “If I lose interest in having sex with you, it means I don’t love you anymore.” And even before that shit happens I told him about it.

We narrowed it down… the factors why.

-We’ve been having sex in the same room, same bed, same atmosphere for quite a while

-We’ve been having sex always, before going to bed that it’s become a ritual

-We’ve been doing the same sex positions

-We’ve been too tired

-We’ve been having sex everyfuckingday

-Giving him a blowjob has gone from five times a day, to once a day, sometimes none. Because our lives have been too busy.

-We’ve skipped exercising and have become fat slobs, less endorphins, less sex drive

So, he suggested, we start having sex outside the house, once a week. A different place, each time. We did this last year and up to this day, we still do it and the difference it made? It’s the same feeling I felt when we first began dating. The sex felt more liberated, more carefree, more new, much more rough, more passion. Maybe because we were having sex in places new to our eyes, places that set us in the perfect mood, it’s not the same bed, the same walls, the same lighting, you know?

Also, I’ve been writing him love letters, I’ve been more attentive, I have been more appreciative of him, I tried to focus on what stresses him out, rather than what stresses me out and tried to help him with his stress. I always try to make our time together, feel new, and fun, I don’t give him the feeling of being bored when he’s with me, and I mean, that comes, when you’re living together, waking up with each other, sleeping with each other everyfuckingday. You get sick of each other’s faces, it’s like, “You again? When are you gonna go away? Don’t you have friends? Don’t you have something else to do? Somewhere else to be?” Nah, I’m kidding. Aaand! I try to change how I look, time and again. I cut my hair a certain way, I color my hair a different color, I buy pretty dresses, I invest in how I look, just so he doesn’t get sick of my face, I teach him new things, I make him learn new things everyday, we go out drinking even if it’s just the two of us, I surprise him even up to this day, I bring him coffee when he’s at work, I slip notes in his pocket from time to time, I send him nude photos when he’s at work, just something to get him excited when he comes home, I give him a massage when I feel like he’s too exhausted.

You get what I mean? When you begin feeling too comfortable with your partner, it’s your job to fix it. You don’t just let it happen, you cut that shit before it gets worse.

Aaaaand! We’ve been doing this thing, when we’re having sex, we set a story, something like, tonight, we’re having a threesome, I set the pace, I narrate the story, sometimes it’s another guy, sometimes it’s another girl, sometimes it’s five guys on me, sometimes it’s five girls on her, at times he set’s the story and we let our imagination run wild, sometimes we play characters, last night, I was a prostitute he had picked and was so enamored and satisfied with his big cock that I didn’t let him pay, last week he was a tattoo artist and I had asked him to tattoo something on my hip bone and he accidentally pressed his palm on my vagina that it made me horny and the tattooing turned into fucking, last month he was my neighbor, I had a husband but he’s always away, so I knock on his door to use him for sex, that kind of shit and it’s pretty fucking exciting. Maybe it’s not for you, but it’s just a suggestion. Also! He bought me two new dildos and sometimes we play around and we act like I’m being fucked by three men. Who am I to complain?

What I’m trying to say is, if you feel like you’re getting sick of fucking the same cock ,the same vagina, for years and years now and you feel bored with your sex life, do something about it if you actually want to make your relationship last. I wanna make mine last because I don’t think I’d be able to find a bigger cock if I start dating again.

So, take my advice. Have sex somewhere else, outside the four corners of the same place you’ve been having sex everyfuckingday of your lives, do something imaginative, be less of a nagger, be more fun to be with, make your day to day lives more of an adventure, rather than just a normal, repetitive life together. If you do things right, if you’re able to find the solution to the sexual equation, your sex life has nowhere to go but up.

Oh my God, I’m starting to sound too fucking old.